Where Art Thou Spring?

Late last week and through this weekend we had beautiful weather here in Central New York, and it was such a huge tease. I even bought Julian a bunch of spring/sumer clothes and shoes from Old Navy because I cannot wait to be rid of snow. At this point it feels like snow will never go away and flip flops will never be an option ever again. But spring will come eventually!

So, I wanted to put together a little moodboard which gives you a taste of what I'm craving this spring!

Clockwise from top left: (links are in the numbers)

1. Love this little outfit for Julian.

2. This color looks great on everyone.

3. Katie Daisy's prints uplift my mood 100%!

4. Spring makes me want to start eating lighter and healthier. These tacos sound amazing!

5. I ordered these shoes for Julian and I can't wait for him to wear them!

6. I love these DIY lanterns as a fun permanent decoration for somewhere in our house.

7. Ahh tulips. I want to find a place to plant some this spring.

8. This outfit looks so cute and could be worn ona casual day or at work!

9. Pointy scallop flats in white? Screams spring and summer to me!

10. This would be a cute Easter treat to bring to the office or to use as little placecard holders at Easter dinner.

What things remind you of spring? Are you as sick of the cold as I am?

A little bit about education vs. no education.

A friend of mine tweeted that he is not ashamed to have dropped out of college after only four days of attendance because he has accomplished so much since then without a degree and has no debt. It’s something that a lot of young people can identify with because there is so much pressure to go to school and then worry about the money after. But for some people, school isn’t for them, isn’t an option for them, or they just can’t shake the image of paycheck after paycheck being handed over to some loan lender when they haven’t even landed a job in their field of study yet.

College is hard. But so is life.

I’m among those people that will probably never go to college, and I’m trying to be ok with it. It’s hard to be proud of not going to college when all of your friends are graduating and struggling through finals weeks and trying to make friends. It’s hard to relate to them because they think their life is hard, but you think your life is just as hard as or harder than theirs. I was away at college for two semesters (I was pregnant for one of them) and it was hard. I don’t know about how hard it gets after freshman year, but I can imagine that it is. Let’s agree that whether you go to college or not, finding success is hard.

I’m trying to convince myself that not going to school will work for me, and I think so far 95% of me believes it. The other 5% believes that I won’t be as successful (in my case, in graphic design) as someone who went to college to study it.

You can still be educated without an education.

For those of us who have either chosen not to go to college or didn’t have the option, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn and be just as intelligent as someone who did. It might take a little extra effort on your part to find good sources of information. You might have to seek out someone to have an intelligent conversation about something your passionate about, maybe through a chat room or a blog.

Take advantage of the world around you.

Our generation is lucky to have the world at our fingertips and the ability to reach out to pretty much anyone to learn, grow, and experience. Take advantage of all of the resources out there, and that means social media! If you admire a famous director, give him a stout out on Twitter, because you never know what could happen. If you are so inspired by an up-and-coming calligraphy artist, sign up for her Skillshare class and mention her in an Instagram comment below a picture of your own work.

Be proud of who and what you've become regardless.

Whatever you do, don’t feel sorry that you didn’t get a college education, and do not belittle yourself around those who have. If you have honestly put in effort to make a better life for yourself or have just as much knowledge and experience then you are equals. Your paths have been different, your destinations probably aren’t the same, but if you have reached your own personal goals (or are on the right track, like I am) then you have something to be proud of.

If you really can’t live with yourself any longer because you don’t have that degree that supposedly gives you an occupation, then you should do what you can to go back to school and satisfy that void. I tried it because I thought it would make me better or make me feel better. All it did was make me even more dissatisfied and anxious to jump-start my career. So Iquit. I felt like I knew what I was doing already, and what I didn’t know wasn’t going to be learned through an online classroom full of “students” who didn’t have a clue about art or design.

I'm proud of you!

Everyone is different, and my message to you is to embrace it. If you don’t have a college education and you don’t want one, then I applaud you and wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. (And also ask you for some tips on staying successful!) If you do have a college education… oh my god I applaud you, too. I have no words for the amount of work you must have done to receive your degree. But please, applaud us who haven’t gone to school and are still achieving our dreams. Give us a helping hand when we are struggling with something that you were able to master under the instruction of a professor.

If you opted out of college, what is something that you have struggled with because of it? If you are in college or have graduated, are you glad you stuck with it, or would you have gone a different route if you could? And anyone, please feel free to share your advice for those of us who didn’t go to school!

Thanks for reading- I promise tomorrow’s post won’t be so lengthy!

PS- Thank you to Ben for the inspiration on this subject!

At a Crossroad

When Danielle from Sometimes Sweet said she was going to start posting weekly “journal” prompts, I didn’t think they would warrant such tell-all answers! I feel like I’m playing truth-or-dare with the world right now, and I got truth!

So this is going to be an interesting, difficult post to write for me. We’ll see how it turns out.

This is the prompt that Danielle posted on her blog for this week:

Everyone has a time in their life they view as a crossroad. Sometimes you can see it as it's happening, and you're able to choose one way or another. Other times you may not realize you're there until you look back, and see what a turning point it really was. This week, write about a time you view as a marker in your life; a distinct place where things changed, for better or worse.

And the obvious answer to that would be when I found out I was pregnant with Julian.

Now, let’s see... How to write about this…

When a woman finds out she’s pregnant, many of the times she has some choices. Sometimes the choice is clear, sometimes it isn’t, and sometimes what you think you would do is not what you end up doing when it actually happens.

It definitely wasn’t an easy time for me. I was 18, a freshman in college, and it wasn’t the type of thing I had ever pictured for myself. I didn’t ever think I would be one of “those girls”.

I knew even before I took any sort of test, and the whole time that I had this gut feeling (literally) I was leaning towards “getting it taken care of”. Then I finally took the test to be sure and things changed. Things turn from facts to emotions in a matter of about 60 seconds. What you imagined becomes real, and the idea that there is something inside your body that’s changing and the things inside of you are no longer just yours, they’re someone else’s, too.

I believe that every woman should have the right to choose whether to keep her baby or not. If it’s not right for you, and you really don’t think you could handle being a mother yet, then you should be entitled to managing that in a safe, legal, and humane way. It wasn’t an option for me, but it should be an option anyways.

I knew this was a game changer for me, and also a game changer for Dom. I really had no idea what would happen to us, and what I would do about an education, a job, or a future. We’re so lucky that our families came to accept what was, and that things have turned out pretty well.

And so I have decided that things have turned out for the better. Because of my decision to keep Julian, I have found direction in my life. I have become ambitious and hardworking. I have become realistic with my goals and my future. I have learned to work through my problems with other people, especially Dom. I have resurrected my friendship with Morgan, without whom I would not have had the courage to stand up for myself during this crossroad in my life. I have learned what it means to be responsible. I have learned the value of my hard-earned money. I have learned how important it is to take care of my body and my mind, although I'm still learning how to actually do that.

And mostly, I have learned more about myself. In the 2 years since I found out that I was pregnant, I have spent a lot of time looking inward and discovering the best and worst parts of me. There is nothing more satisfying than identifying who you are, who you would like to be, and what you need to work on in order to make that happen.

All of those things would have happened in time, sure. And I’m sure things will change and I will definitely grow even more, but this crash course in adulthood has been really satisfying to me.

So thank you for being a good change, Julian. For all of us, I think.

Tulips make me feel happy

This is one of those fluff posts that no one really wants to read, but it's too personal to write about on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram where the people that follow me might not appreciate how I feel.

But tulips make me feel happy. What I love most about them is that usually they start out so closed up and little that you might overlook them because their leaves are so big and the flower is so small. But once you have tulips in your home once, you will always appreciate the way they look when they open themselves up to you. Day one, they're closed and sad looking. Day two, the flowers look bigger and oval shaped. Day three is when they are a true tulip shape. You know, the tulip you drew as a kid that was comprised of a "U" shape and three points at the top to represent the petals.

Not only do they open up, but they reach out in all different directions, like they're racing away from eachother, trying to find something before the other ones find it. They have so much personality, and I am really not a big flower person. I pretty much have a black thumb, but I want to keep tulips forever. I think I'll invest in them every week because they truly make living more enjoyable.

Ok, now your turn. What is one thing that is so small and seemingly insignificant but that still makes you so happy?

Why bother giving up?

I talk a lot about my lack of confidence when it comes to being a graphic designer. It defintely stems from the fact that I don't do it full-time and also because I don't have a degree. Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to convince myself that I'm the real deal and why I don't just give it up. But then I say, "Self- shut up. The real question is, why bother not trying to convince myself and why would you just give up? Why bother giving up when you can just keep going?"

We have great conversations, myself and I.

It's a constant struggle. A lot of the time it doesn't feel like I'm struggling with my confidence because I'm working on a project that I am confident in. But then I get a project that I don't really know how to handle and then my negative self starts talking smack again and I have to put her in her place.

Those are the projects that will threaten your confidence, but those are the projects that allow you to grow. I wonder if my "specialty" will always be birth announcements, invitations, and other print design projects, or if someday I will be just as confident in other areas of design.

It's really hard to continually work towards something while you still have a million other things going on in your life. I wish I could spend all day, every day working on my designs, getting clients, continuing my education and knowledge, and planning for my professional future. But when you have a 9-5 job, a baby to take care of when you get home, an apartment to keep up, and relationships to maintain. You know, life.

Every night, when Julian goes to bed I work on something to add to my portfolio, or I work on my blog or portfolio site, making sure that everything is up to date and represents me the way I am today. It's hard to balance those things because most nights I just want to watch Treehouse Masters (my new favorite show) and eat cheesecake, but I resist those urges most nights so that I can get something done and feel like I'm still working towards my goals. It feels really good to finish a project because I know that it means I'm one tiny step closer to being able to call myself a graphic designer.

I want to remind you that when you feel like you should give up, ask yourself why. If your reason is something along the lines of "I'm too busy", "I'm too tired", or "I'm not good at it", then you need to go and do it, because the more you let those thoughts win, the more you are losing. Give yourself breaks so the thing you love to do and want to get better at doesn't become daunting or chore-like. Give yourself a night o eat cheesecake, watch Treehouse Masters and shamelessly lurk your enemies via social media, but the next night you better get right back at whatever it is that you should be working on.

You might as well, right? There are only so many episodes of your favorite shows, and late night snacking isn't good for you anyways.

Is there anyone else out there that has this problem? Do you ever feel like you should just give up because you aren't seeing some type of result of your hard work? Are you falling victim to a lack of confidence in what you love to do? If so, just keep thinking:

Why bother giving up when I can just keep going?

Why We Work

In honor of Valentine's Day, I'm writing about the reasons why Dom and I work. Thank you to Bonnie from The Life of Bon for the idea!

We work because he lets me do my thing on my computer and when I'm done and I want to go to bed, he comes with me even if he isn't done doing his thing.

We work because he can cook meat and I can cook pasta.

We work because I can never admit that Julian needs a second/third nap and instead of listening to him cry more, Dom will just put him to bed.

We work because he doesn't judge me when I need to take 50 pictures of one invitation or birth announcement that I had printed. Or when I have to take 60 pictures of my desk and a corner of our kitchen. He actually tries to slap my butt because he knows it will ruin the picture. Then I get mad so he laughs and lets me continue in peace.

We work because if I miss a glob of hair in the shower drain, he gets it out. But also never fails to remind me of it.

We work because we like to be silly before we settle down to go to sleep. We have our own "language" that sort of sounds like German, Russian, and some Nordic language all mixed together. Don't get us started because we won't stop.

We work because we like having people over for casual drinks and food. (And merriment.) He sweeps and makes chicken wing dip, I set up the glasses and make sure the presentation is impeccable.

We work because we root for eachother when there's something we're excited about.

We work because we can both be realistic about our future together, and what our timeline looks like. What continuing our family will look like and when it would happen.

We work because I take things seriously and he doesn't take things serious enough. He helps me remember that some things aren't so serious and I remind him that some things need some immediate attention.

We work because he's simple and easy to please and I can be a little more high mantenance.

We work because we both love movies about ancient Rome or Greece, Mythology, any type of superhero, and were both excited to see Pompeii when it comes out.

We work because we both love late night snacking. I'm always down for a McDouble at 10 p.m. Bad? Yeah.

So there, those are some of the reasons why we "work". Some are silly and some I could write about for days, but they're all special to us.

The best part about writing these was asking Dom what he thought about it, and he said "Just because I love ya, duh!" So sweet! See what I mean now about him being simple?

And then of course he said "And because I'm stuck with you now!"

Such a sweetie.

Participate in this link-up by adding this picture to your post and adding your link to Bonnie's post!

I blog because I have a lot to say

If you know me, you know that I’m not always the loudest person in the room. I’m not usually the one screaming for attention. I feel like I always have a lot to say, but I’m always waiting for the opportunity to say it and sometimes it never comes. And that’s ok, because I would rather be a part of a conversation than talk without anyone actually hearing me.

Blogging is sort of strange when you’re like me, and you like to be a part of a conversation. When you’re just starting out and you have a lot to say, you hold some of it back for whatever reason, but when you do have things to say it rarely becomes part of a conversation. It’s hard to get people to comment and respond to what you say. I know people are reading, but not many are talking. It’s frustrating! Some days I feel like I’m that girl that’s talking while everyone else is talking, but they’re all talking to someone and I’m just talking to everyone and no one is listening to me.

Why am I always that girl?

But then I realize that it doesn’t matter, because everyone deserves to have a moment where they get to speak without anyone else speaking over them. For me this is right now, whether someone will read, understand, agree with or reply to or not.

What I have to say is important to me and if it isn’t important to you, then that’s ok.

I blog because I have a lot to say, but I also blog because it feels good to say it, even though no one might hear it.

Finding Happiness: A Gratitude Journal

Earlier this week, I was inspired by a website that I somehow stumbled upon called The Greater Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life, and it has tons and tons of articles that are backed by Berkeley research about that subject. One of the things I saw talked about creating a journal of the things you are grateful for, or a Gratitude Journal. I wouldn't consider myself an unhappy person at this point in my life, but I definitely have a lot of stress and some of it is related to feeling like everything goes wrong for me, continually wanting something more and better, and always comparing myself to others.

So, I thought "Hmm... what if I mindfully thought about the things that I am grateful for? Would it help me look at my situation differently? Yes, probably. But journals always fail for me, so maybe it's a stupid idea. But wait, I have a blog. What if I wrote weekly about what I'm grateful for? It could be a beautiful thing!"

And that's how ideas come together in my head, folks.

So I thought all week about what I would write, and I've come up with the following concusions:

• I'm grateful for my mom, my dad, Hammie, Grandma & Grandpa B, my sister, and pretty much my whole family that I can always count on to support me when I’m in need of something. (A.k.a all the time)
• I'm grateful for my amazing co-workers who I always go to for advice. They’re an amazing support system of friends and secondary mother figures that have really guided me through a lot of things.
• I'm grateful for winter days that are cold but still nice enough for me to walk from work to Julian’s daycare to my mom’s house without being cold. You know, since I’m car-less and everything.
• I'm grateful for fruit smoothies and homemade lattes to get me through my mornings.
• I'm grateful for the Internet, which is where I get to virtually visit pretty homes and imagine our next apartment décor.
• I'm grateful for Dom, for being understanding and always patient with me, even when I get crazy ideas that he gets dragged into. And also for supporting me on my venture to become physically (and therefore mentally) healthy.
• I'm grateful for the time I get to spend with Julian every day, even when he’s not being the best version of himself.

So there, those are the things I'm thankful for this week. I'm excited to have an opportunity to mindfully think of all the things I do have right now. Gotta stay positive!

The most positive thing is that it's Friday! I'm looking forward to packing more of our things up this weekend and hopefully haulding them over to our new place. I don't know how they'll get there, so if you see me walking down South street with a red wagon full of stuff, that's me moving.

Happy Friday!!

A Value Assessment

As I was doing my usual morning blog reading to get my day started, I stumbled upon a post by one of my favorite designer bloggers, Breanna, who talked about and shared a link to a really great self-assessment that can also be really useful for developing your brand and your business. I wanted to share it here because I, too, LOVE quizzes and assessments of all kinds and this one was really thorough. The picture above is how I counted my answers and then added them up the way that Abby Kerr tells you to.

All you have to do is go to Abby Kerr and The Voice Bureau, subscribe to her posts and you'll immediately get a link to take the test.

At the end, it tells you several ways to interperet your results, which is super helpful. It's also pretty open so you can use the results in lots of aspects of your life.

If you have a spare 10 minutes, I suggest you take it, no matter who you are! Have a pen and paper or word document handy to write your scores down on and to do *simple simple* math. Like, numbers don't go above 4, which is perfect for me.

I'd love to know what your top values are! I scored highest on security, intimacy, helpfullness, transparency, playfullness, enthusiasm, and depth. I don't know about playfulness- I'm usually the serious type, but like I said, you can bend the descriptions to fit yourself better and it ends up making sense!

Why do you read blogs?

I don’t know about you, but I’m always trying to analyze different aspects of my life and one of the things that takes up a lot of my time is reading all of the various blogs that I follow. So I was thinking about the reasons why I read blogs, other than the obvious reason being that I just like to. Why do I like to, though?

I think the answer to that question is similar for most readers out there, whether you’ve thought about it or not. It’s because you’re hoping that by reading what someone else who is somewhere else has to say, you’ll gain some sort of knowledge or insight to something you otherwise wouldn’t know about. The kind of things bloggers write about aren’t always searchable on the web, you can’t really find in books, and sometimes you don’t even know that you’re looking for information on something until you see it there in front of you!

If you keep your own blog, it’s definitely important to think about your answer to this question, because once you can answer it thoughtfully, you’ll probably think of a few new things to write about.

For instance, my answer has me wanting to think of something new that I haven’t seen on Pinterest/other blogs/Google/Facebook/out there somewhere that readers will stumble upon and be able to learn something from.

Do you think everyone reads blogs for this reason? Do you have a completely different reason for reading blogs? Please share what your reason for reading is!

Happy Hump Day!!

So Far NOT So Good, 2014!

What you are about to read is a modge-podge of a rambling, and you might not even make it to the end. There are more exciting blog posts out there today, filled with bright, sunny pictures and a life-changing craft or tutorial, I’m sure. This is not one of those posts.

So far, 2014 is not my friend. It’s probably because I left 2013 with a lot of stress, and it’s not like a new year will just wipe that away. So, I won’t go into detail, but I feel like almost every aspect of my life is super stressful right now, and most of that is related to financial stress. It’s hard for me to admit that money is an issue, because most of it is because of poor decisions Dom and I make financially. I’m pretty sure most young people go through it, and we will most certainly learn from our mistakes, but… ugh! Makes me feel like a failure. I just wonder if we will ever get it right or if we will always be behind.

In other news, we’re moving! I’m so so excited and I’m 100% sure we will be much happier in this place than our current one. We move February first, and I’m excited to say that this place is worth showing pictures of, and I won’t be embarrassed to have people see it (as long as we can keep it tidy…). Unfortunately, the move is also the source of our stress in many ways. Mostly because we have so.much.stuff. and we are dreadinggg the actual moving process. Also because moving isn’t usually free… we’re going to have to get a moving truck for our furniture, probably paint two of the rooms, and, obviously, come up with the security deposit and first month’s rent. We’re keeping our fingers crossed that we get our security deposit back from our current place, which will really help a lot.

So, that will be exciting!

When I get stressed and start to feel the weight of everything on my shoulders, it’s all I can think about. I become obsessed with it, and I almost wish I was the type of person that could just say “well, it’ll all work out somehow”, but I’m not. Dom is, and I hate him for it. I wish there was a way for me to de-stress and think about things with a more optimistic approach. It doesn’t help that I don’t have any sort of project going on at the moment, which would distract me a little. I should probably create my own project, or try to learn something new.

I also have a Marshall’s giftcard, so maybe I’ll go shopping. But that’s not a good habit to get into when you have money problems, is it?

Well, hopefully when we finally see the light at the end of all our stress (so, probably never) there will be a lesson learned or a moral to the story. Hopefully we will have learned some things about financial responsibility, or even just coping with stress. One of my goals for this year was to become more financially responsible and to set myself in the right direction in that area, but so far it’s not looking too hot. But, a lot can happen in a year, so I won’t judge you yet, 2014.

I think one of the things that might make me feel better is to start focusing on getting my body healthier and something that I’m proud of. I think Dom and I are at that stage of getting comfortable and we’re forgetting that it still matters that we look good, but it might just mean something sort of different. Before, we were trying to look good to impress one another, but now we have to focus on looking good (and feeling good) for ourselves. So, in celebration of me, I’m getting a gym membership tomorrow (plus they have a deal going right now that I can’t pass up), and I’m not even going to feel bad about the small price to pay. Hopefully it’ll make me feel so good that I stick with it and see results.

So there- that’s my modge-podge of a rambling! Happy Wednesday!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all!! Dom and I rang in the year together with good friends, good food and good drinks. It was a fun night but now I'm feeling super lazy today, even though I feel like I should be productive for posterity's sake. But the day isn't over yet so who knows!

I'm still thinking about possible resolutions and goals for this year. Since last year was such a huge year for me, I'm really curious about the year ahead and what it will bring for me and my family. 

So while I'm busy being productive and thinking long and hard about all the possibilities for the year ahead, I leave you with a New Years greeting!

You've Been Good to me, 2013

Image & Free Printable Source

As the hours left in 2013 begin to disappear, I’m finding myself thinking especially hard about everything that has transpired this year. There have been several huge changes that I can think of at this moment, most of which are happy and good, but one in particular makes me sad and also makes me question how I feel about the whole year.

My papa died a few days before Julian’s first birthday over the summer. It was just before I started this blog, so I didn’t really write about it here, but it was certainly one of the top five most life altering things to happen to me. Your grandparents are among those few elite people that, until it happens, you feel like will be with you forever. I don’t think of any of my grandparents as “old”, in fact, when I think about them I think of them as being 65, active, and immortal. It still doesn’t seem real that he’s gone.

Because of papa’s passing, I feel like this year goes from an overall great year full of lots of big changes to a sad year. The year that one of the people I love most passed away.

I know I don’t have to feel that way, so I’m trying not to.

Instead I’m focusing on how huge of a year this was for me. It has been the year that has made me feel like I’m gaining purpose and starting to figure out what the beginning of my life is all about.

I’ve felt more like a mother in the last year than I did in the first 6 months of Julian’s life.
I’ve gained about 4 times as many responsibilities as I had in 2012.
I’ve developed my passion for and knowledge of design so much that I’ve become confident in selling my designs.
I’ve begun to catch a glimpse of what being in a happy, healthy relationship is comprised of- although I hope 2014 will bring more revelations in that department.
I’ve started to become a more honest friend, sister, daughter, granddaughter, and girlfriend in the best of ways.
I’ve also known what it feels like to occasionally struggle financially, and I don’t want to feel it again in 2014.

I guess you can say that in 2013 I’ve started my adult life, whether I was ready for it or not. I don’t know the age when other young people start to feel like an adult, but 20 has been mine, and 2013 has been the year for that to happen to me.

Overall, it was a truly life-changing year. There were so many new things that happened to me, both internally and externally, and in these last few hours of 2013, I’m proud of the person I am so far and I’m excited for the person that I will be at this time, 365 days from now.

Julian's Birth Story // Part 2

Last week, I shared with you the "first part" of Julian's birth story, so I have the rest of it now for you to read.

I gave birth on a Monday, and for 2 nights I walked laps around the maternity ward so that I could leave that hospital and finally get to hold my baby. People visited me and brought me gifts, and we chatted about what was going on with Julian. I pumped my breast milk and had family, who were going to visit Julian, deliver it to him in coolers.

When I finally got to see him in the NICU, I was so excited and nervous. I opened the doors to the NICU and I knew right away that he was in the first incubator by the door. There was a nurse at his station, and when I walked over, she asked me if I was his mom, and I immediately started crying and laughing at the same time. They let me take him out of the incubator and insisted that I try to nurse immediately and that I hold him against my bare skin. They had to come tell me to put him back into the incubator several times because I wanted to hold him day and night.

That night, Dom drove me home so I could stay in my own bed. I opened the door to my room, and broke down. My parents had set everything up while I was at the hospital. It looked like there should have been a baby in the room, but there was just me and Dom. How was I going to sleep at home while Julian was struggling to breathe in an incubator, in a hospital 30 minutes away from me?

Well, I did. I slept that night in my bed, but for the next 10 nights I slept in a chair by his side. They told us 3 times that he would be going home the next day. Each of those times, a doctor came to us and told us “not today”, and each time it made us even angrier. Finally, I was so exhausted physically and emotionally that I slept at home, and I felt guilty about it the whole night. 

I woke up the next morning, and I could feel that it was going to be a great day. I made sure Dom came with me to the hospital, and I made sure we had the car seat with us. We took our time getting to the hospital because we were still feeling like the day that we brought Julian home would never come. We were about a block away from the hospital when a nurse called us and with so much excitement in her voice, she said “Are you coming here today? Julian is going to be able to go home!”

It felt like years passed between the time that we entered the hospital and the time that we finally were discharged. Paperwork and questions and last minute tips and information were the only things in our way of taking our little guy home. We were both so happy and excited, but so nervous because we would have to take care of him on our own. Without help from nurses.
I had so many fears and worries, but I never voiced any of them because the thought of finally being this guy’s mama overshadowed all of them. And it turns out that none of those fears mattered because he was amazing. 

I still feel like someone cheated me out of the experience that I imagined. When I think about it, talk about it, and write about it, tears come to my eyes because I can still feel all of my fear and anxiety from the time I knew I would have a c-section to the time I brought Julian home. My labor didn’t last a few hours or days. It lasted for weeks because there is no labor greater than what your heart goes through when it is feeling a million emotions and they’re all contradicting eachother.

In the scheme of things, I’m so lucky. There were babies in the NICU that were there for months, and there were probably some there that didn’t even make it. There are mothers that have never been able to hold the babies that they create, and mothers that never get to take their babies home with them. I know I’m lucky to have such a healthy, smart, funny, and loving 18 month old sleeping soundly in his crib right now. We were blessed with a happy ending, and I am so grateful for that.

But next time, I hope I get a happy beginning, too.

I Love Quizzes

I've always loved personality quizzes. I think it's because I love getting to know myself better, and sometimes those quizzes either reinforce what you think you know about yourself. Quizzes also can help you see something about yourself that you may have never thought of or thought to be true.

Style quizzes are fun, too, because I can never quite figure out what to classify my style as. I guess I would say I'm drawn to classic styles with just a little bit of sass or sexy in there. I like the occasional leopard print, sexy makeup, and I like my pants fitted to flatter my curvy figure. But I'm also usually a modest dresser and like to show the least skin possible.

This style profile quiz that I took is nice and quick, which is something I like in a survey. At the end you get your results and a makeup/nail polish package from their line that they recommend. I believe if you sign up, you can have a new package sent to you every month.

This is my result. At first, I got the "boho glam", and while I'm always up for a result that makes me think about who I really am and not who I think I am, I'm pretty sure I'm not boho glam... so if theres anyone out there that thinks I am, please come forward and tell me your reasons why. I re-took the quiz and got "classic with a twist" and I definitely agree with that one.

So go and take the quiz to see what style you are!

Julian's Birth Story // Part 1

I've never really written Julian's birth story out until tonight. He's almost a year and a half, but late is better than never, right? I'll warn you, it's not the happiest birth story and it won't make you cry tears of joy or make you want to go have a baby.

Without further ado...

The only picture I have of Julian on the day he was born.

Julian's Birth Story // Part 1

When I got pregnant with Julian, I was extremely scared. I was a freshman in college, and still a teenager that didn’t really know what my purpose in life was. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t ideal, but I was still so excited because as soon as I saw the plus signs on all the pregnancy tests I took, I knew that this baby, my baby, would be the love of my life.

At a routine checkup at about 25 weeks, my doctor discovered that there was an extremely low amount of amniotic fluid in me and I was told to go to the hospital to get fluid into me so that hopefully some amniotic fluid would start producing itself. I didn’t really think it was a huge deal because all of the baby’s vitals were fine and I felt fine. Nothing seemed wrong.

Well, fast forward 5 weeks of hospital visits and dozens of IVs administering fluid into my veins. My visits became more frequent, and before I knew it I was staying overnight 2, 3, 4 and 5 nights in a row, only to have the amount of amniotic fluid drop! It’s a condition medically named oligohydramnios, and it can cause a lot of damage to the baby and can cause a really difficult birthing process. On top of it, Julian was still breach at 35 weeks because he didn’t have any extra room to turn around. So, my doctor told me that I would have to have a c-section at 35 weeks to prevent any of the possible damage that can be caused by oligohydramnios.

I was still really unaware of how serious this condition could have been up until recently, when I thought I would look into it more. The doctors and nurses never really hinted to me the negative possibilities that go along with having such low amniotic fluid.

All along, I had this beautiful vision of what the moment that I met my baby would be like. It didn’t involve an OR, metal instruments, or a curtain being hung on top of my chest. I also didn’t think it would be such a scary experience.

The nights leading up to my scheduled c-section was the worst night of my life. I cried for most of them, terrified at the thought of being cut open and so sad for the experience that I had been imagining for months. But the morning of, I was feeling strong and ready to meet my baby. I had lots of family and some friends at the hospital with me, and my boyfriend Dom was at my side the entire time.

In the operating room, my fears came back to me very quickly. I have had scoliosis since I was a baby, so receiving the epidural in the base of my spine was not fun at all. I could tell the anesthesiologist was having some difficulties, but finally it took. The rest was sort of a blur, because from the time the epidural kicked in until I was wheeled out of the OR, I felt like I was having a major panic attack. I could hear my heart monitor machine going so fast, and the people in the room kept consoling me and trying to engage me in conversation so that I would calm down.

I don’t even remember them pulling Julian out of me, but I remember Dom rushing over to the bassinet where they were probably poking and prodding at Julian. Once he was all wrapped up and in Dom’s arms, he brought him over to me, but I couldn’t even open my mouth to say anything. I wanted to jump off of the table and hold my baby and shower him with kisses, but all I could do was cry silently. Dom asked me if I wanted to hold him, and I remember being so mad and thinking “How stupid! Doesn’t he see my arms are taped to this table?” and just shaking my head no.

After that, I didn’t see Julian for a few more hours because the doctors said he was having a hard time breathing. I recovered in a labor and delivery suite and was still really out of it at that point. I can only imagine the things I was saying. Although, I don’t think I was saying much because I was trying so hard to stop shaking and shivering. I think it’s sort of normal to shake after having anesthesia, but this was so bad! I had absolutely no control of my body. I couldn’t move my legs, and the top half of my body wouldn’t stop moving. I felt nauseous and the room was spinning, and everyone was being so loud but I felt like I couldn’t even speak. I just wanted to cry and cry, but I just sat there, probably with a stupid smile on my face. The worst part about all of it was that I was so distracted by my body and the people in the room and the nurses that were poking and prodding me that I don’t even think I asked or wondered where Julian was.

When I was finally feeling better, I was moved to the maternity ward, where the pediatrician finally let me know what was going on. He told me that Julian would have to be brought to a nearby hospital to be monitored more closely because of his breathing. He predicted that he would only be there until the end of the week, and assured me that Julian was doing well.

Shortly after, they brought him into the room inside of a huge incubator on wheels, which he would be transported to the other hospital in. They lowered it so I could “see” him, but since I had no ability to use my abdominal muscles and the incubator was still too high, I barely caught a glimpse of him behind all the wires and tubes he was hooked up to.

He wasn't a tiny baby. At 35 weeks gestation, he weighed 6 pounds and 11 ounces and was 19 inches long. They told me when they gave me 2 steroids a few weeks earlier that his lungs would probably be developed enough for him to be healthy. Nobody warned me that this would happen.

To be continued...

My Manifesto

I was inspired by a post I read over at Braid Creative (sorry, I can't find the original post!) to write down my own manifesto, and so far, this is what I've come up with!

I believe...

You don't have to be able to describe what you "do" in a few concise words. It can be a whole story!

Leggings can be worn as pants.

In making the people that I love feel very special.

You don't have to have an extraordinary life to have a fulfilling one.

What is your manifesto? Do you think it's a god idea to have separate personal and business (or blog) manifestos? I look forward to seeing my manifesto change and grow.

I had so much fun with this cute little guy this weekend. I miss him when he goes to bed- most of the time!

Becoming an Expert

I tweeted the other day about wanting to become an expert on too many things, and needing to find one thing to focus on at a time. I'm constantly thinking about my next move and the next thing I want to learn more about, which can be great because I always have something I can be doing. It can also be a burden because my mind is never resting. I'm always on the hunt for either something new that I should set my sights on learning, or learning something I've set out to become an expert in.

The purpose of this post is to let you know what I've learned so far about wanting to become an expert in so many things, and I'm also going to make a personal resolution for future reference.

Here is what I've figured out so far about this problem that I'm having. If you agree or disagree I would love for you to voice your opinions in a comment!

1. It isn't a bad thing to want to learn more things. I keep telling myself this whenever I enter my human version of information overload. The quest for knowledge and continuation of learning shouldn't stop after high school/college/grad school. Knowledge is an asset to your future, and it's so valuable- whether you have paid for it or not. 
2. It's not healthy to become obsessed with a lot of different things at once. This happens to me all the time. I'm reading a blog post, trying to gain knowledge on one subject, and then BAM there's this link into another portion of the universe internet and all of a sudden there's this other thing that you didn't even know you needed to know! Before you know it, you have 5, 6, 7 internet tabs open and you're trying to make sense of it all.at.the.same.time. And... youjustcan'tstopuntilyouknoweverythingthereistoknow. UGH.
3. It's ok if you learn slowly and over a period of time. Heck, if you learn slowly, there is a good chance you're retaining the information for the long haul.
4. The best way to become an expert in something is by trying it out for yourself. I love branding boards. I love the way they look and feel, and I love the idea of filling my portfolio with them someday. But I've never really done one myself, until I jumped into it and made this one for myself! It's not terrible complicated, but it looks great in my portfolio, and has actually gotten lots of views on Behance, and some retweets on Pinterest! My point? Nothing is more satisfying than going out and doing. Stop oohing and aahing over someone else's example and make your own! Someday, after I've completed my 100th branding board, I hope to be an expert.
5. Be resourceful. There are so many places to start the learning process. There are classes like Nicole's Classes, which look amazing. There are all types of blog posts out there, and I bet there are at least a handful for exactly what you want to know more about, and you can trust them because the authors are probably experts (or are at least pretty close!) It's all about clicking every link that looks interesting, and knowing where to look. (Ok, don't go clicking all those interesting links. Some are bad!)
6. You don't have to have a piece of paper to prove that you're an expert. There are so many designers out there that didn't go to school for design, or didn't go to school at all! Don't always be wary of someone without a college degree. If you find someone writing about what you are yearning to learn more about, ask yourself if they seem credible, and if what they say makes sense. Even more than that though, did they inspire you? I tend to admire designers the most if their own work or words have inspired me, left me with a greater understanding, and given me the tools to open up Illustrator and start something of my own.

So, now that I've really thought about what it takes to be an expert, I want to put a plan into motion right now. I need to give my brain a rest and focus on one or two relating things that I could get a really good base knowledge of in a small amount of time. (I'm talking maybe a few weeks) The other things will be put on the back burner for now, until I'm satisfied with my base knowledge. Then, I'm going to gather some resources. This might mean buying a new book. (An actual book that I can keep on a shelf or my currently-nonexistent-desk) Maybe bookmarking, Pinning, or "Evernoting" (heads up Merriam-Webster!) some blogs, posts, articles, and tutorials that are relevant? I can take a class from Nicole's Classes, SkillShare, and maybe even my local community college. And finally, I'm going to act. I'm going to physically take all of what I've learned and put it onto action to create something that proves to me, and maybe other people out there, that I know a little bit about something

But wait... it doesn't end. This cycle will repeat- probably for the entire span of my existence- but it will also continue. The thing about becoming an expert is...

There is no one out there to judge exactly what it means to become an expert in anything. You are an expert when you say you are. But a true lover of knowledge will never be satisfied enough to say they have learned all there is to learn.

For this 1850x1150 Desktop Background, click here, and just save the image to your computer! (The link will just bring you to a photo sharing website- no bugs, I promise!)

I'm eager to know what anyone else thinks about this subject! Thanks for visiting my blog!

Beginner's Ruts

I talked about finding inspiration and gave a bunch of examples of places that I find great things that inspire me, and I actually started writing that post a few weeks ago and forgot about it. So, I put the finishing touches on it and posted it. Well, shortly after publishing that post, I was browsing on Behance and within a few minutes of scrolling, I didn’t really feel inspired- I felt overwhelmed and a little depressed!

It’s fun looking at the pretty things that other people create/draw/do/make but I think when you’re already feeling discouraged about your own work or life, looking at the awesome things other people are doing can make you feel worse about yourself.

I recognized that I was starting to feel this way, so I got right out of the internet and started to think about the things I would do [after Julian went to sleep] to get me out of a rut and feeling positive and excited about creating. I thought maybe I could begin one of the prompts within this book I bought last weekend, or make some new material for my Etsy shop, or start on an invitation that a friend and I have been talking about sporatically.

So, what happens when you become overstimulated and, as a result, depressed or unmotivated? Well... you unplug. Unplug in the sense of not looking at other peoples' work and thinking of all the ways they're better than you. Unplug by not stepping foot into a nother social media website until you get one project done. It will feel good to know that there was no outside influence on that work- just your pure talent and genius. If you can't put your brain, creativity and vision into something and have it turn out amazing and portfolio-worthy, then you just have some practicing to do, and there's nothing wrong with that! I know I have lots of practicing to do before I can really consider myself a 'designer', but you have to start somewhere, right?

Besides unplugging, it's important to remember not to "compare someone elses middle to your beginning" (-Jon Acuff). If you're starting out, you can't compare yourself to someone who is experienced, because you'll be there someday! So many things happen with time. It's easy to think "Well, I should be as good as them, so why aren't I!" and send yourself into a rut, thinking of all the reasons why they're better than you.

So, I guess the moral of this story is to focus on you, and your work. Keep practicing until you have the confidence to compare your work to that of other, more established designers. Also, don't lose sight of why you are really passionate about something, just because you're trying to get better or look better from the outside. Work at a pace that allows you to grow as a creator- or however you want to interpret this!

Now, go forth and do something amazing. I hope someone can feel inspired by this, because I know I do!

Let's talk about when I was fifteen

Ok, so that sounds sort of annoying if you know how old I am. The same kind of annoying as that girl that posts a picture on Instagram that was taken two weeks ago and writes "that time when I... #tbt #throwbackthursday".

Five years is one of those amounts of time that really isn't a lot, when you look at the whole timeline of your life. But then you think of where and who you were five years ago and it's like a whole lifetime ago. A lot of things are the same but chances are there are even more that aren't.

Five years ago, I started getting to know Dom. Morgan and I went to see Madonna on tour. I was trying to grow out my afro from ninth grade. I was in this weird transition period between wanting to be a strange, "different" hipster girl and wanting to be that cool, sexy (as sexy as you can be at 15), R&B, rap loving girlfriend material girl. Ugh, such a bad time. I was trying to figure out who my *real* friends were (made a few mistakes along the way, but I finally got it right).

Now, five years later, I've learned a lot of lessons and had a lot of experiences. I've survived high school, started college (twice), and quite college (twice). Been with Dom, another guy that I never want to talk about, and went back with Dom. We've moved into our own place together. We have a 16 month old (today!) son who is majorly responsible for who I am at 20 years old. I work at a law office! How many 20-year-olds can you say have that under their belt?

I feel like my life is already so rich, and like I've learned so much. But it's just barely begun!

Where were you five years ago? Do you ever stop to think about everything that was happening in your life at some point in the past? It's interesting to compare things like relationships, careers, living situations, and maybe even your personality to how they used to be, and to wonder how they will be in the future.

P.S., I think Jonathan Ive took his inspiration for iOS7 from Madonna's Sticky and Sweet tour.

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