At a Crossroad

When Danielle from Sometimes Sweet said she was going to start posting weekly “journal” prompts, I didn’t think they would warrant such tell-all answers! I feel like I’m playing truth-or-dare with the world right now, and I got truth!

So this is going to be an interesting, difficult post to write for me. We’ll see how it turns out.

This is the prompt that Danielle posted on her blog for this week:

Everyone has a time in their life they view as a crossroad. Sometimes you can see it as it's happening, and you're able to choose one way or another. Other times you may not realize you're there until you look back, and see what a turning point it really was. This week, write about a time you view as a marker in your life; a distinct place where things changed, for better or worse.

And the obvious answer to that would be when I found out I was pregnant with Julian.

Now, let’s see... How to write about this…

When a woman finds out she’s pregnant, many of the times she has some choices. Sometimes the choice is clear, sometimes it isn’t, and sometimes what you think you would do is not what you end up doing when it actually happens.

It definitely wasn’t an easy time for me. I was 18, a freshman in college, and it wasn’t the type of thing I had ever pictured for myself. I didn’t ever think I would be one of “those girls”.

I knew even before I took any sort of test, and the whole time that I had this gut feeling (literally) I was leaning towards “getting it taken care of”. Then I finally took the test to be sure and things changed. Things turn from facts to emotions in a matter of about 60 seconds. What you imagined becomes real, and the idea that there is something inside your body that’s changing and the things inside of you are no longer just yours, they’re someone else’s, too.

I believe that every woman should have the right to choose whether to keep her baby or not. If it’s not right for you, and you really don’t think you could handle being a mother yet, then you should be entitled to managing that in a safe, legal, and humane way. It wasn’t an option for me, but it should be an option anyways.

I knew this was a game changer for me, and also a game changer for Dom. I really had no idea what would happen to us, and what I would do about an education, a job, or a future. We’re so lucky that our families came to accept what was, and that things have turned out pretty well.

And so I have decided that things have turned out for the better. Because of my decision to keep Julian, I have found direction in my life. I have become ambitious and hardworking. I have become realistic with my goals and my future. I have learned to work through my problems with other people, especially Dom. I have resurrected my friendship with Morgan, without whom I would not have had the courage to stand up for myself during this crossroad in my life. I have learned what it means to be responsible. I have learned the value of my hard-earned money. I have learned how important it is to take care of my body and my mind, although I'm still learning how to actually do that.

And mostly, I have learned more about myself. In the 2 years since I found out that I was pregnant, I have spent a lot of time looking inward and discovering the best and worst parts of me. There is nothing more satisfying than identifying who you are, who you would like to be, and what you need to work on in order to make that happen.

All of those things would have happened in time, sure. And I’m sure things will change and I will definitely grow even more, but this crash course in adulthood has been really satisfying to me.

So thank you for being a good change, Julian. For all of us, I think.