I spent this beautiful, beautiful day at a private lodge in the middle of nowhere, at a place called Frozen Ocean, with the greatest coworkers ever! I drank too many mixtures of Coconut Parrot Bay and Coke, and ate too many snacks. I didn’t dance or laugh enough, though. The picture above really has nothing to do with this post other than it being the view off the back porch of the cabin we were at. Gorgeous!!
I’ll warn you: this post is the product of a few drinks that are wearing off, a tired body, a tired mind, and a tired heart. I’m feeling a little sad and a little bad for myself tonight. I think we all have this feeling, but it’s been coming too often lately for me, and I’m trying to have little victories within myself and take steps towards figuring this problem out, and I’ve just thought of another things causing it.
I love being able to add things to my “have done” list. I love having things to brag about and show off to people, as if they make me a more interesting person because of them or something. Lately I feel like I have so many ideas for projects, crafts, hobbies, skills I can learn-- and that’s besides the things I “have” to do like school, houskeeping, cooking, laundry, working… obligations. Because I put so much on my plate, I don’t have time to dedicate to every individual thing as much as I’d like. This leads to my version of mediocrity. I’m a beginner blogger with pretty much no readership. I like to think I have the ability to be a good blogger, but right now I’m mediocre. Same thing with my Etsy shop. I’m also a good art student, but I get tired of trying so hard when the students around me aren’t inspiring or talented, so it makes me slack. I’m a good friend, but I could be better if I wasn’t in such a rut. I’m a good employee but my mind is constantly split between the clouds and home. I keep getting moved up by chance at my work- is that all I am?
No, I don’t have to be mediocre.
I’m proposing a time out for something in my life- but what?! The things I have in my life right now are there because I like them, so how do I possibly cut something out. I’ll miss it too much! And the things I have to do just won’t get done and then we’ll be hungry/be stinky/be sick/live in a mess/never have a clean sippy cup or bottle/have bad grades/won’t have any electricity or internet! Oh my!
This is the part where you’re like ok… I just spent way too long reading this rant, and it doesn’t look like it gets better for this girl. And maybe you feel a little down now listening to my woes. For that I apologize. If you’re reading this, I obviously decided to go ahead and publish this post, although I seriously thought of doing otherwise.
Well, you’re right. I haven’t solved any problems during the course of this rant, and I don’t know if I ever will. I think I will always struggle with feeling like I’m not as good as I could or should be. I think I will always be seeking the next best thing, or a new hobby to take up so I can keep my brain active.
If you’re reading this and you feel like this sometimes, let me here you say I! What do you do to feel better about it? If it wasn’t so late I would practice some stitches on my new sewing machine, and if I wasn’t at a dead end with my Intro to Design project I would work on it. Instead I think I’ll go to sleep and rest this tired mind of mine.
Happy not-so-happy Friday, and may your Saturday be merry and not as busy as mine is going to be!
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